rant

dear new yorkers,

i used to believe what the majority believed about new yorkers: that you all are some tough cookies, that you've got that new york attitude. you know, fugeddaboudit and whatnot. you all brave the unpredictable new york winters, which i can't even begin to tell you how much i respect. it's fifteen degrees outside, and i see half of you running around in a windbreaker and nothing else. cheers to that. but after living here for nearly two years, and more importantly being here right now during the "heat wave," i've come to see what new yorkers really are: a bunch of wussies.

first of all, 70 degrees is not hot. maybe those new york winters have made you unfeeling to temperatures that aren't below freezing. once the temperature reaches 70, it just seems that you go into complain mode. "it's so hot." "i hate this humidity." "can you BELIEVE how hot it was in the subway this morning." it's perfectly fine to feel hot, but i don't understand the incessant complaining. are you really so miserable that you feel you have to share that misery with everyone around you? it's like you think the heat only affects you. "janice, it is just sweltering out there." "well, mary...why, my god, it IS sweltering! i'm so glad you told me or else i never would have known!!" and by the way, if it was hot yesterday, chances are it's going to be hot again the next day. uncanny, i know! but really, i don't need a daily update of exactly how warm it feels to you, how awful it is that your workplace doesn't have air conditioning, or how much your panties stuck to you when you just went to take a piss.

and am i the only one who knows about central air conditioning? seriously, what is with those silly little ac's you stick in the window? not only do they do basically nothing for the interior of an apartment, but they emit heat onto the streets. but i guess you all like that, because then you think it gives you even more of a right to complain. my main beef with those things, though, is the water that drips from them right on to innocent passers-by. i must be the only one who finds it totally repulsive to have nasty water drips from an air conditioning unit fall on me. central air doesn't drip on people. central air can't fall out of a window and crush someone. central air cools an entire apartment, not just one room. seriously, new yorkers, save some of your money and invest in it if these summers get to you. thank me later.

i just don't get it, new yorkers. i lived my entire life thinking you were so tough, so strong, and it turns out that's only the case november through march. once the temperature rises, you go into ritual complain mode, somehow thinking that if you do bitch enough, maybe, just maybe it might snow or something and then you'll be saved from the heat and humidity. so here's what you should do: invest in some central air conditioning for your home (and suggest it for the workplace), buy a personal fan to carry around (no one said anything about looking cool while beating the heat), purchase some non-stick panties, and stop complaining, please.

thanks.